I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i wish my penis had a tongue
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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