I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
