I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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