She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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