tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize