I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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