it was like eating out sand paper
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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