oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
