I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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