I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
