My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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