..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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