He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
