My Higher Power is John Stamos
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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