now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize