I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
