Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
