the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
