I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
