When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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