She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
