true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
