I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
being pregnant is like rehab
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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