Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
