even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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