my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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