We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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