her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i believe in u and ur pee
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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