I'm so fucking centered right now
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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