At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
