I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
