I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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