just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
