i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
