He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize