There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
