This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
In America we eat man semen.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
