At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
