Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
