He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
