my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
