; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
