sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
