I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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