Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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