we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
