His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
