new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
