Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
