I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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