i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize