She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
