just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Randomize
