Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
