Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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