i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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