chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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