wrigley field is MILF paradise
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
