I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
